String of Silliness

So I talked to K.B. last night and he's decided that he's going to support me, I don't think I've converted him to pro Ana, but at least with a few stipulations, I can make us both happy. So I've agreed, no more purging (with the exception of last night), I have to eat one thing daily ( at least egg whites are only 17 calories) and my G.W. can not go below 120 (I know, I'm hoping I can get him to lower the number once I'm actually closer) I went to the store tonight and finally bought a scale, haven't gained, but I haven't lost anything either. Feeling quite discouraged..

Breakfast: Green Tea 0 calories

Lunch: Green Tea 0 calories

Dinner: 4 pieces of sushi and mint tea 50 calories

..at least my calorie intake is getting lower. Anyways, here's some thinspo..

Just one of those days..

Diet stuff

Fasting

Fasting can be a great way to detox your body, but can also have a downside:
-Your metabolism slows down after day 2. Therefore, you should decide when to end it 
-Start with eating a little amount of calories such as 100 and then up it up slowly to where you want to be, so your metabolism follows and you don't gain your weight back

-You are expected to lose up to 4 pounds the first few days of a fast but then average is 1 pound a day
-The first 3 days are the hardest
-Day 3 is typical where you will feel most hungry and have most cravings
-After day 5 the hunger is drastically reduced, and it is either completely gone or barely noticeable after day 10
-You should never fast more than 15 days without letting anyone know your doing it

-You should keep water on you at all times

Milk Diet

Recipe: 1 piece of rye bread/high fiber toast
Cut the bread in 4 pieces
Take a slice of ham or cheese or other things like it, and cut it into 4 pieces so it matches the bread pieces. 
You can also take cheese on two pieces, and ham on the last two.

Breakfast: 1 piece of the bread with ham or cheese and 1 cup of low fat milk
Launch: 1 piece of the bread with ham or cheese and 1 cup of low fat milk
Dinner: 1 piece of the bread with ham or cheese and 1 cup of low fat milk
Snack: 1 piece of the bread with ham or cheese.
calories per day: 300 - 400 
You can expect to lose up to 6 or more pounds a week.

Ana/Mia Tips

#1. Don’t be stupid. If you wish to continue eating habits in order to lose weight DON’T tell other people. If you wish to quit DO TELL other people. If you are Pro-Ana, it means protecting Ana at all costs- don’t tell you parents or your therapist/counselor (if you have one) don’t even tell your best friend. Ana is secret, and she is unique for every person. In order to continue to help you, she must be at all times a complete secret. This also means your eating habits have to go unnoticed. Only eat around other people so they won’t be suspicious, purge quietly, put out dirty dishes, ANYTHING to keep others from being suspicious, because it will be harder for Ana to do her work if they do.

#2 Don’t break your diet- you break it, even for one day,  you have to start over from square 1.

FOOD:

1. Stay away from food at ALL COSTS! temptation leads to guilt, and once you taste, your risk of bingeing is increased by 75%.

2. Drink TONs of water/unsweetened tea to keep from dehydrating.

3. Exercise self-control at all times, don’t even fantasize about how something tastes.

4. If you have to eat, make sure it is high-quality, low-fat food. Preferably as fresh and natural as you can get it. The best would be raw veggies and fruits as they are high in nutrition and low in calories.

5. Absolutely DO NOT eat breads, carbohydrates, fried and high sugar junk food, or put sweetener in anything. You want to be as close to natural as you can get. Fish instead of meat ect.

6. Try as best as you can to HATE food, I know it’s hard.

7. Don’t use words like “about” or “almost”, when in doubt round-up, and I don’t mean decimal places. numbers don’t lie.

8. Find out the calories in EVERYTHING you ate.

9. Remind yourself constantly of why you’re doing this when confronted with food, and how sad you will feel if you set yourself back by bingeing.

10. Remember: Once you binge, its like having to start over ALL OVER AGAIN. Do you really want to go through that when you’re SO CLOSE?

11. Drink a sip of water between every bite, it will fill you up faster, and is a good habit because if you binge you will have more time to think about what you are doing and the food will come up easier.

12. hot and very cold beverages are great because they also burn calories as you body must adjust their temperature.

13. Go to bed at LEAST one hour after your last meal.

MOTIVATION:

1. Say “I will” instead of “I want to be skinny”.

2. Do menial work to get your mind off hunger, or simply go to sleep.

3. In the morning tell yourself exactly what you will and will not do in the day.

4. Do NOT make excuses for yourself. You know damn well you have the strength and willpower to stick this out. Don’t be a failure, you’ll just sink lower into the fatty abyss. Don’t you want to pass Ana’s test and be accepted  as part of the beautiful society?

5. Learn from your mistakes and don’t you DARE repeat them.

6. Obviously; Thinspo, you need something to feed your hunger for emptiness.

7. Food = Pain because it leads to fat and guilt and depression. Starvation= exhilaration because you are that much closer to your goal. Never lose sight of your goal.

8. Build up your willpower, this will happen slowly, but you will gain more control over yourself as motivation becomes habit.

9. Never doubt yourself. Ever. You are strong and courageous, and not alone, you have Ana and us; the rest of the Pro-Ana community. You know exactly what you want and are willing to suffer for it. You are a revolutionary.

10. Carry something around with you that reminds you of your goals, or repeat your reasons list when faced with food.

11. Watch other people eat. It is disgusting, especially if they are extra hungry.

BODY:

1. Massage your body; it helps with muscle soreness and deep tissue massages help break up fat stores if done over a long period of time (cellulite)

2. If you feel sick, it’s just a natural process, and usually will pass if you eat something light.

3. Remember that although your mind may become sharper, your body is weaker, therefor prepare your schedule in advance to make sure nothing embarrassing happens (like fainting). Ex- prepare an egg for protein and some fruit about an hour or more before physical exercise.

4. You WILL feel crappy for the first two weeks, expect it and toughen your mind.

5. As your body purges rancid oils stuck in it, you may stink for a while, as well as develop some acne.

6. Everyone thins out in different places, so don’t expect any “target” weight loss or toning to work until you have lost significant weight overall.

PURGING:

1. Throw everything up as fast as you can if you have binged. You start to digest food as soon as it enters your mouth. By the time 20-30 mins have passed, you have digested all the fats and oils in the food.

2. How to Purge Quietly: Get a napkin/tissues/paper towel/toilet paper, anything disposable, and hold it tightly against your mouth as you purge. The only noise that should be heard is a slight muffled coughing, and the sound of your bile hitting the toilet water, so it’s a good idea to purge when the shower is heating up, or loud music/fans are on.

4. If you want to stop, don’t. Yes its painful and awkward, but YOU decided to eat and binge in the first place. You have no one to blame but yourself so suck it up and stick it out. Don’t let the weakness that just controlled your binge control your determination to be thin.

3. Purging can cause clogging of your toilet. Don’t ever purge in the shower, sink, unless it is into a bucket, because there will be questions asked when someone has to unclog the drain. When you are done, take the waste outside, dump it in the garden/ outside trashcan and wash down with water. NEVER leave it in the house as it will stink horribly.

5. Remember that you will not get up everything. That is why the average Mia weighs more than the average Ana. Sad but true, so if you binge you must make up for the calories in another way; exercise or reduce even more calories from the next day.

4. If you have the luxury of foreseeing a binge, then eat something with a noticeable color FIRST, so that when it comes up, you will know you threw up everything (ex- lemon jello)

5. After a purge, rinse your mouth, do not brush your teeth until 1 hour after or else you risk rubbing the acid into them. Drink lots of fluids to replace the ones you lost.

How I resist temptation - response to an email

So someone emailed me and asked me how I resist the temptation to eat. So I figured I would answer on here, in case anyone else is wondering the same thing..

I used to worked with this girl, and she was tall, about 5'9 (keep in mind I'm only 5'3 lol) and she was probably around 275 lbs. (Pretty funny since her job was to promote health and wellness, but that's a whole other story.. )Anyways, I absolutely hated this girl, because I always found myself so disgusted with her..

Well this girl, would always brag about how pretty she was, (trust me, she really wasn't, she had bug eyes, orange skin and a clownish grin, and did I mention the grease in her hair and oil in her skin from her piss poor diet?) Well, she always felt fat, wanted to do something about it, but never did etc. We used to have a 15 minute break and then a 2 hour lunch break. She would bring 3 full meals with her every day to work, sometimes 2 and then she would get fast food. 

When I find myself in the kitchen, looking for something to mindlessly eat, empty calories to fulfill my hunger, I stop, stand there and close my eyes. I picture this disgusting girl at my old work, stuffing her face full of sandwiches, inhaling bags of Doritos. I've never seen someone eat as fast as her or with as much greed.. The salt and grease on her fingers from her potato chips, the extra mayo on her upper lip, meat stuck in her teeth, reaching back into these brown paper bags looking for more and more fulfillment, scraping her pudding containers clean, her fat fingers grabbing at every morsel of food that she could manage to fit into her swollen puffy face during these break times. The way the fat on her neck moved every time she chewed. Watching her take a fork and eat an entire cake, and then go back for the brownies and cookies that my patients used to bring us..

And then I picture her face as my own.. I picture my hands and feet swelling until I can no longer bend my fingers or toes. I picture my stomach swelling with food until my belt loops rip and the button on my jeans give. I picture how she used to try and squeeze into men's XL shirts until it looked like a child's t shirt, on days when the local basketball team was playing. I picture wearing yoga pants stretched so tight across my ass and hips and calves that they turned see through, and you can hear the cries of the spandex as I hike them up further over my fat rolls, as she did.. For the days that she would wear flip flops with her fat feet swollen like baby swine.. How the hell does someone get fat fucking feet anyways?! How many calories must you consume to have them puff up and round out so that there's a small roll where your toes meet your foot?! I just picture all of that on me. And suddenly, I'm not so hungry.. So thank you B, for reminding me how fucking disgusting fat girls are.. And remember to always think thin and starve on..

Xoxo,

T.

Tu Me Manques, K.B.

In French, you don't really say "I miss you"

You say "tu me manques," which is closer to 

"you are missing from me."

I love that. "You are missing from me."

You are a part of me, you are essential to my being.

You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood.

I cannot function without you..

I confessed last week about my eating disorder to my boyfriend, we'll call him.. K.B. It was with a heavy heart and saddened eyes, I knew from that moment on everything in our relationship was going to be different. We're long distance, and he came to see me for a week. It was the hardest thing of my life, trying to act like most piggish little girls do, eating dinner every night so that he wouldn't catch on to things. Smoking pot just to be able to swallow the food that my mind was screaming at me for even putting in my mouth. Thankfully he loves sushi, so I managed to keep my calories under 100 at night, but I'll admit, I've always been a lush for the wine. Trying to throw up in the bathroom quietly so that I didn't have to go to bed with food just sitting there in my stomach. Go figure, all that for nothing, I confessed anyways. 

The reason for the confession? He knew I had a low calorie diet and like to exercise, he just wasn't aware of what extent I took things, we were on the phone one day, and I was exercising, and he started talking about my body, and this is the first man that has ever seen me completely naked with the lights on, mind you, and he always says "you're beautiful" "you're perfect" and yeah I might not see it, but I guess part of me started to believe he saw it, but then he says (after he had come to see me) "Yeah, I think you'd look better if you lost some weight" Ouch. I guess my body isn't good enough for him either.. And I think to myself, if one of my girlfriend's told me their boyfriend said that to them, I probably would have told them to jump on a treadmill and get over it, but it's stuck with me and played over and over in my head. In the last 2 months I've lost 37 lbs. I eat 200 calories max a day and workout 6-10 hours every other day, so now I've been killing myself racking my brain wondering how I can get thinner faster, work harder, strive, succeed faster to lose this weight that I now know he notices and dislikes. I hate myself. And he keeps asking for naked pictures, I'm running low on excuses, and don't want to just flat out say I feel awful about myself, because I'm afraid it will change his whole mood.. -_-

Well, since then, he's told me that he's exhausted, and tired, and sometimes feels helpless because he doesn't know what to do or say when I've confessed to purging. Everyday he texts me and asks how I've done for the day, which is his polite way of asking if I've binged and purged, or if I've even bothered to eat, but he doesn't understand how hard it is. He doesn't know that his words have been etched into my brain, and I can't tell him or he's somehow going to think this is his fault, when it isn't. He's one of those men with the naturally thin, angular frames, with a nice body, who's never had to worry about metabolism, or fat, or body issues. Sometimes, I wish my longing for normality, outweighed my need to be skinny. Or at most, I wish I never got fat.. I do love him, so I hate knowing that I've become this great cause for concern.. I guess we'll just have to see how he handles it once we actually live together..

Anyhow today I've slacked off and made dolmas. I only ate one, but I feel disgusting. I've had the worst anxiety, because I threw out my scale when I told K.B. that I would work towards recovery, before I convinced him to see things my way, minus the purging. I haven't weighed myself in a few days, so I've been feeling panicked and having nightmares. Looks like tomorrow will be another day for nothing but green tea, and a trip to Target for a new scale.

 Until my next post, think thin, and starve on.

Xoxo,

T.

Pro Ana quotes

*Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

*I don’t care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

*I’m not there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.

*Be like a postage stamp.. stick with it until you get there.

*The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow.

*A moment on lips, forever on the hips.

*Bones define who we really are; let them show.

*Craving is only a feeling.

*Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. Food is good; thin is better.

*You’ve come too far in life to take orders from a cookie!

*Not eating light makes your clothes feel tight.

*Food IS the DEVIL! It’ll only bring you one step closer to looking like Fat Bastard.

*Thin has a taste all its own.

*Calories can’t make you happy.

*If it tastes good, It’s trying to kill you.

*Success won’t just come to you; it has to be met at least half way.

*Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle.

*You have to believe in yourself. And you have to down deep within the bottom of your soul, feel that you can do the job that you’ve set out to do.

*An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.

*I’m not starving myself, I’m perfecting my emptiness.

*We become like what we love.

*Don’t give up what you want most for something you want in the moment.

*The secret of success is the consistency to pursue.

*When it comes to losing weight, those who can, do; those that can’t make excuses.

*Everything depends upon the right action of the will.

*Don’t eat. If you want to see food, look in the mirror at your thighs.

*You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.

*The word is control. That’s my ultimate - to have control.

*Eat to live, but don’t live to eat.

*I don’t take the first little bite; I don’t begin. I have no problem.

*Every time you say “No Thank you”, you say, “Yes Please” to Thin.

*Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.

*Don’t do anything today that you’ll regret tomorrow.

*The hungrier you are, the more fat you burn.

*Thinner is the winner!

*You can never be too rich or too thin.

*Of course it’s hard; if it were easy, everyone would be thin!

*This is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more than anything, even food.

*Starvation is fulfilling. Colors become brighter, sounds sharper, odors so much more savory and penetrating that inhalation fills every fiber and pore of the body. The greatest enjoyment of food is actually found when never a morsel passes the lips.

*One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure, clean shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we’re made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.

*You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you shall enjoy the twenty minutes or so that you will be consuming empty calories, whether you will cordially despise yourself for two or three days for lack of willpower.

*Nothing. Nothing is wrong, and asking is against the rules. Crying is against the rules. You’re strong; don’t let them break you. They’re trying to destroy you.

*Quod me nutrit, me destruit. (That which nourishes me destroys me.)

*Why can’t they realize my strength, how much it’s taken to make so little of myself?

*It’s simple: you decide once and for all that you aren’t going to eat, and there is no further decision to make.

*In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is not attained when there is nothing left to add, but nothing left to take away.

*They always say they’re concerned about me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse.

*I do eat normally; I eat only what is necessary for survival. I can’t help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

*When I wake, I’m empty, light, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food’s only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

*When you coast without eating for a significant period of time, and you are still alive, you begin to scoff at those fools who believe they must eat to live. It is blatantly obvious to you that this is not true.

*Food hinders your progress.

*THIS IS FOREVER. I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. I WANT TO BE THIN MORE THAN ANYTHING, EVEN FOOD.

*You’ve made a decision: you will NOT stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything.

*You can learn to love anything, I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I’m light-headed or have a hunger headache, or better yet, all of the above, it means I’m getting thinner, so it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control.

*There is no TRY. There is only DO.

*I want to be so thin, light, airy, that …

… when the light hits me, I don’t leave a shadow behind.

… when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint to mar

its virgin purity.

… I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.