In French, you don't really say "I miss you"
You say "tu me manques," which is closer to
"you are missing from me."
I love that. "You are missing from me."
You are a part of me, you are essential to my being.
You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood.
I cannot function without you..
I confessed last week about my eating disorder to my boyfriend, we'll call him.. K.B. It was with a heavy heart and saddened eyes, I knew from that moment on everything in our relationship was going to be different. We're long distance, and he came to see me for a week. It was the hardest thing of my life, trying to act like most piggish little girls do, eating dinner every night so that he wouldn't catch on to things. Smoking pot just to be able to swallow the food that my mind was screaming at me for even putting in my mouth. Thankfully he loves sushi, so I managed to keep my calories under 100 at night, but I'll admit, I've always been a lush for the wine. Trying to throw up in the bathroom quietly so that I didn't have to go to bed with food just sitting there in my stomach. Go figure, all that for nothing, I confessed anyways.
The reason for the confession? He knew I had a low calorie diet and like to exercise, he just wasn't aware of what extent I took things, we were on the phone one day, and I was exercising, and he started talking about my body, and this is the first man that has ever seen me completely naked with the lights on, mind you, and he always says "you're beautiful" "you're perfect" and yeah I might not see it, but I guess part of me started to believe he saw it, but then he says (after he had come to see me) "Yeah, I think you'd look better if you lost some weight" Ouch. I guess my body isn't good enough for him either.. And I think to myself, if one of my girlfriend's told me their boyfriend said that to them, I probably would have told them to jump on a treadmill and get over it, but it's stuck with me and played over and over in my head. In the last 2 months I've lost 37 lbs. I eat 200 calories max a day and workout 6-10 hours every other day, so now I've been killing myself racking my brain wondering how I can get thinner faster, work harder, strive, succeed faster to lose this weight that I now know he notices and dislikes. I hate myself. And he keeps asking for naked pictures, I'm running low on excuses, and don't want to just flat out say I feel awful about myself, because I'm afraid it will change his whole mood.. -_-
Well, since then, he's told me that he's exhausted, and tired, and sometimes feels helpless because he doesn't know what to do or say when I've confessed to purging. Everyday he texts me and asks how I've done for the day, which is his polite way of asking if I've binged and purged, or if I've even bothered to eat, but he doesn't understand how hard it is. He doesn't know that his words have been etched into my brain, and I can't tell him or he's somehow going to think this is his fault, when it isn't. He's one of those men with the naturally thin, angular frames, with a nice body, who's never had to worry about metabolism, or fat, or body issues. Sometimes, I wish my longing for normality, outweighed my need to be skinny. Or at most, I wish I never got fat.. I do love him, so I hate knowing that I've become this great cause for concern.. I guess we'll just have to see how he handles it once we actually live together..
Anyhow today I've slacked off and made dolmas. I only ate one, but I feel disgusting. I've had the worst anxiety, because I threw out my scale when I told K.B. that I would work towards recovery, before I convinced him to see things my way, minus the purging. I haven't weighed myself in a few days, so I've been feeling panicked and having nightmares. Looks like tomorrow will be another day for nothing but green tea, and a trip to Target for a new scale.
Until my next post, think thin, and starve on.
Xoxo,
T.
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